Talking About Death with Small Children

Miranda Featherstone

15 min Read Miranda Featherstone

Miranda Featherstone

Talking About Death with Small Children

A guest post by Miranda Featherstone

Miranda Featherstone

15 min Read

I write nearly all of ParentData myself, often with the help and input of other experts. There are times, though, when I feel I need to pass the mic completely. Last year, I read a piece by Miranda Featherstone in the New York Times and, when I finished sobbing, I started a conversation about whether she’d be willing to write a variant of her piece for this newsletter, focusing on more of the “how to” in talking to kids about death. The result is below. It’s heavy, but it’s important and meaningful and I’m grateful to her for doing it.—Emily


Our favorite neighbors are moving, and I have not told my son. My son is close with their son, Jacob — they attend the same preschool — and the two of them are like puppies together: joyful, chaos-seeking, a blur of delighted movement almost painful to witness in its tender exuberance. The way they nuzzle toward each other when they hug, beaming, causes the grown-ups to blink back tears. Really. I am serious. I know I should tell him, but I don’t want to. So I don’t.

I would counsel another parent to tell their son about the move as soon as possible — yesterday, in fact. A large part of my job as a social worker who supports children and families entails helping adults deliver unfortunate news to children, and helping children survive unpleasant situations intact, if not unscathed. I have thought about telling my son for weeks.

I know empirically that children deserve information about sad, hard things. I know that, when confronted with a sad, hard thing, they fare better if they have context, and advance warning. These are facts: firm, immutable. But we can almost see Jacob’s house from ours; you don’t really need shoes if the weather is nice. You almost never need socks, or your hat. Jacob and his moms are moving to a new neighborhood less than three miles away. We will still see them, of course, but it’s hard not to agree when my seasoned older child points out, “It won’t be the same.”

Adult sadness and discomfort is awfully large. It has a tendency to squeeze out shoulds even facts. And here is another truth: kids are often sad already. There are no more Peanut Butter Puffins in the cereal box. It is bedtime. It is a school day. No, it is not your birthday. You must sleep in your own bed, in your own room. No, but really, it is now past your bedtime. The tears often feel constant, the damp and dreary weather of parenthood. Who wants to make them cry more? On purpose? I catch myself lowering my voice, leaning toward one of Jacob’s moms to advise about removing wallpaper at the new house as if discussing a sex cult.

I think you know why I have not told my son: because it will make him sad.

In my work as a social worker, I join people on their worst days. I once sat with parents in their living room and met their gaze as they looked at me unblinkingly. I had just told them that soon they would need to tell their children about the death of an immediate family member. This death was not imminent, exactly, but it lurked. It was certain. They nodded, slowly, their heads heavy with dread. One parent opened a mouth to speak, and I thought I knew what they would say: I cannot tell them without crying. It will be so painful. Instead, this: “But their behavior is already so awful. It’s just going to get worse.” I nodded, my dread swelling to meet theirs. Their honesty filled the room. We avoid that which is painful, yes, but also we avoid things that will make our lives harder. Sad children are not always easy children.

Death is, perhaps, the toughest sad, hard thing. It is tempting to skim over it, wait for the necessity to arise, and then dodge the details artfully when it inevitably comes up. If the cruelty of death is staggering in the abstract, a specific death is heartbreaking. Skirting around it — never bringing it up, answering questions briskly and evasively — seems easier (kinder, even) than painting a full picture of the grim cruelties of the world. Easier for our kids, and easier for us. But, of course, it isn’t easier in the long term. Frank information about death and its particulars is important for children to have access to. And while some questions don’t need to be answered until they are asked, children do need invitations to ask questions. Some information must be offered so that they know a topic is one that you are willing to discuss. Children should learn early on that death is universal — it happens to all living things — and permanent. Adults should use clear words such as death, dead, and dying, and words like forever and never. Words like loss and passing or the conflation of death and sleep (or rest) are confusing to small, concrete thinkers.

When children are very young, death can — and should — be yet another matter-of-fact feature of our world. It is like the moon; we might call their attention to it, even though we don’t live there: Look up and see! You might point out the fact of death when confronted with a corpse: “Oh look, that squirrel isn’t moving. It’s dead. Its body got hurt or sick and stopped working; now it’s not alive. It doesn’t move or think or feel.” You might point it out when confronted with a memory: “This necklace belonged to my grandma, Grandma Rose. She died when I was a big kid; I loved her very much, and I missed her a lot after she died.”

The answers to the questions of what a dead person does or does not experience, and what becomes of us after death, are personal. It is fair to say things like: “Nobody knows for sure.” If you believe in heaven, share those beliefs with your children in clear language.

All this is doable in the abstract. It becomes harder when a death is specific.

When my older child was small, an elderly relative fell ill. It was clear that soon she would die. Should we tell our daughter? my husband wanted to know. She knew this relative only a little — she lived far away. It was unlikely that her absence would be noteworthy when we next visited his family overseas. Of course, I said. My husband is practical, and compassionate. He did not argue. But his brow furrowed.

“Will we tell her that when people die they go to heaven?” My husband was raised in an observant Christian home; he himself is not remotely religious.

I looked at him firmly. “Do you believe in heaven?”

“No,” he admitted.

“Neither do I. So no, we will not tell her that she’s going to heaven.”

“But that’s awful. What will we tell her?” He looked ashen, as if this reality of death was suddenly too much to bear. I am not sure if he had himself given much recent thought to the harshness of mortality suggested by his now-godless belief system; he was confronted with pain, and a desire to keep such pain from our small, apple-cheeked daughter. This was hard. But being straightforward with her proved easier than lying.

Seared into my brain is the consternation of two parents who confessed, guiltily, that they had spun for their son an elaborate tale about the glories of heaven to soften the blow of the dog’s death. Their kid had a lot of questions, and their discomfort was growing. They felt deceitful. They squirmed. What do we do now? they asked. We don’t even believe in God. We were raised Catholic; we just didn’t know what else to say. He asks us all the time about heaven, the specifics. He wants to talk about it constantly. In such a situation one can backtrack, apologize, and set the record straight. I told you that because I was sad, and it’s an idea that comforts a lot of people. I don’t actually believe that heaven is real. But a lot of people do. I believe that after we die, life ends, and our bodies become part of the earth again. It can be hard and sad and even scary to think about death and what happens afterward, even for grownups. But we can always talk about this stuff.

We are inclined, sometimes wrongly, to fix things for our children: emailing teachers or coaches about spelling words that could be harder, friends who could be kinder. We offer suggestions and solutions, or let them know that the problem isn’t really a problem at all! It’s an opportunity! And here’s the silver lining! Heaven is so fabulous!! Maybe it is, I don’t know. But children do not need us to coat death in a slick candy shell. They need us to name it, invite it in, and admit — even if it makes us cry to do so — that it is an immutable part of living. I haven’t told my son about Jacob in part because I know that when I do, I will have to balance my desire to put a positive spin on it — he’s not leaving town! His new house will be so fun! — with my ability to accept his sorrow. The positive spin, in this case, has a time and a place. But it is, ultimately, spin. It is not the whole truth.

Everything can be discussed in a developmentally appropriate way — even the kind of questions that make palms sweat and prickle — and all questions asked by children of all ages deserve honest answers. “Do kids die?” is a question that makes parents flinch, and the gears of elision and evasion begin to spin. But one can tell the truth: “Sometimes, but it’s very rare. Mostly people die when they have lived a long life.” The question of what cancer is, or what happens to a body after death, can be answered simply, with accurate language that neither misleads nor offers vivid images that could frighten.

Older children or teenagers might want — or benefit from — more details. Ask them what they already know; would they like to know more? Normalize that it can be useful to have information, even if it’s gross or upsetting, but that there is such a thing as too much information. Very young children are often cognitively unable to grasp the permanence of death; this is not a reason to avoid the subject. It just means that you will need to repeat yourself, and that they may say things that are jarring or painful; your job is to offer a gentle and firm corrective, even in the face of your horror. (The goal, I should clarify, is not a placid poker face. You are human, and it is fine for them to see this. Your goal is for them to continue to ask you things, rather than privately and anxiously stew over their morbid concerns after you have turned out the light at night.)

But here is another difficult fact: you will not always say the right thing. Nor will your children always understand you, or internalize your words. You will, like my mostly-wise mother, tell your children that “maybe part of you goes to heaven when you die” and your children, like me, will be haunted by specters of dismembered legs cavorting amongst pink-tinted clouds. Or you will tell your children that the worms on the sidewalk are resting, because who can be bothered, and your mother-in-law is in town. Even in the unlikely event that everything you say is just right, you will not be able to communicate all of your thoughts on mortality in one conversation, and repetition is important. And so death must become part of the fabric of family life, something that is discussed both seriously and casually. Revisiting topics often ameliorates confusion, helps children understand new or difficult concepts, and invites them to vocalize their own questions or worries. The truth is, you just have to keep talking about death: inviting it to read-alouds, picnics, movie night. It’s eager to join you anyway, and if you allow it in, children can begin to understand and tolerate its unsettling reality.

An anticipated death introduces a new kind of pain into a family system, and requires specific kinds of care and intention when children are involved. Children should be given ample advance warning that a relative or loved one is going to die, and adults should resist the impulse to withhold information “until there are answers.” Answers do not always come, and a death without warning or an opportunity for goodbye is more painful than a death that was expected. Which is already terribly, terribly painful.

But when, exactly, is the right time? This is the question that no one will answer for you. I cannot answer it here, now, except to remind you that I should have told my son about Jacob’s move yesterday. I can tell you, too, that you will be tempted to tell them at bedtime, when their warm body is trustingly—and reassuringly—pressed against your own. Don’t. People often report that they wish they had told their children sooner that a loved one was going to die; few people wish they had waited longer. Sometimes the moment they choose feels just right; sometimes they cannot bear it one day, but the next day feels manageable. I know, I know: that is not an answer. Think out loud with people you trust. And know this: children need time to process such news. They may need to hear it more than once — a grim thought. Upon learning that a loved one will die, children might pull away from the dying person out of fear, sadness, revulsion, self-protection. Ideally, they would be given this information in time to pull away and then creep closer, spend time with the dying person, say their goodbyes. It is easier, even if not easy, if children living in close proximity to a terminal illness already understand that doctors cannot always cure disease. Sometimes people are too sick, too old, or injured too badly to continue living.

During this most recent dreary pandemic winter, my husband and I sat in front of the neighbors’ fireplace on Sunday afternoons and drank wine while the two kids battled lava, or Venom, upstairs. Sometimes the light fixture over their dining table flickered with the intensity of their defense, but it was okay. Everyone was connected.

Their front yard sports a trim For Sale sign, and still I say nothing: my son cannot read. I look at it as I walk by and dread the sensation of telling him. My feelings have gotten the better of me, and in a season of loss, I cannot bear to name this one. Then the house is sold; their move date is set. It creeps closer. I will, of course, suck it up and tell my son. Soon. So that he does not lose his faith in me, and so that he can mull it over before it changes things. At four and a half, his friend’s departure from the yellow house around the corner is hardly the biggest loss he’s faced, or will face. But he will be sad: perhaps very sad, perhaps just a little, fleetingly. But he is learning that all feelings can be named, endured, and will pass, or shift. It will sting a little to walk by that red front door and know that Jacob is not there. I will squeeze his hand, and then we will continue on our way, to the woods, or the farmers market, or the playground. We will carry on, confronting losses that are both tiny and massive, and beauty that is both prosaic and grand. Together.


Book recommendations (for preschool and younger elementary):

Lifetimes, by Bryan Mellonie, 1983.

Simply written book about how all living things have lifetimes with beginnings and endings and living in between. Sometimes these lives are shortened.

I Miss You: A First Look at Death, by Pat Thomas, 2001.

A factual book for younger children that explains what happens when a person dies (including mourning rituals such as funerals), and the feelings of sadness and grief that loved ones will experience.

Nana Upstairs, Nana Downstairs, by Tomie dePaola, 1973.

An autobiographical picture-book account of the death of the author’s great grandmother and grandmother, the former when he was a child and the latter as an adult.

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Perimenopause comes with a whole host of symptoms, like brain fog, low sex drive, poor energy, and loss of muscle mass. These symptoms can be extremely bothersome and hard to treat. Could testosterone help? Comment “Link” for a DM to an article about the data on testosterone treatment for women in perimenopause.

#perimenopause #perimenopausehealth #womenshealth #hormoneimbalance #emilyoster #parentdata

Perimenopause comes with a whole host of symptoms, like brain fog, low sex drive, poor energy, and loss of muscle mass. These symptoms can be extremely bothersome and hard to treat. Could testosterone help? Comment “Link” for a DM to an article about the data on testosterone treatment for women in perimenopause.

#perimenopause #perimenopausehealth #womenshealth #hormoneimbalance #emilyoster #parentdata
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What age is best to start swim lessons? Comment “Link” for a DM to an article about water safety for children 💦

Summer is quickly approaching! You might be wondering if it’s the right time to have your kid start swim lessons. The AAP recommends starting between 1 and 4 years old. This is largely based on a randomized trial where young children were put into 8 or 12 weeks of swim lessons. They found that swimming ability and water safety reactions improve in both groups, and more so in the 12 weeks group.

Below this age range though, they are too young to actually learn how to swim. It’s fine to bring your baby into the pool (if you’re holding them) and they might like the water. But starting formal safety-oriented swim lessons before this age isn’t likely to be very helpful.

Most importantly, no matter how old your kid is or how good of a swimmer they are, adult supervision is always necessary!

#swimlessons #watersafety #kidsswimminglessons #poolsafety #emilyoster #parentdata

What age is best to start swim lessons? Comment “Link” for a DM to an article about water safety for children 💦

Summer is quickly approaching! You might be wondering if it’s the right time to have your kid start swim lessons. The AAP recommends starting between 1 and 4 years old. This is largely based on a randomized trial where young children were put into 8 or 12 weeks of swim lessons. They found that swimming ability and water safety reactions improve in both groups, and more so in the 12 weeks group.

Below this age range though, they are too young to actually learn how to swim. It’s fine to bring your baby into the pool (if you’re holding them) and they might like the water. But starting formal safety-oriented swim lessons before this age isn’t likely to be very helpful.

Most importantly, no matter how old your kid is or how good of a swimmer they are, adult supervision is always necessary!

#swimlessons #watersafety #kidsswimminglessons #poolsafety #emilyoster #parentdata
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Like with most things, moderation is key! Avoid very salty chips or olives or saltines with your infant. But if you’re doing baby-led weaning, it’s okay for them to share your lightly salted meals. Your baby does not need their own, unsalted, chicken if you’re making yourself a roast. Just skip the super salty stuff.

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Can babies have salt? 🧂 While babies don’t need extra salt beyond what’s in breast milk or formula, the risks of salt toxicity from normal foods are minimal. There are concerns about higher blood pressure in the long term due to a higher salt diet in the first year, but the data on these is not super compelling and the differences are small.

Like with most things, moderation is key! Avoid very salty chips or olives or saltines with your infant. But if you’re doing baby-led weaning, it’s okay for them to share your lightly salted meals. Your baby does not need their own, unsalted, chicken if you’re making yourself a roast. Just skip the super salty stuff.

#emilyoster #parentdata #childnutrition #babynutrition #foodforkids
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Is sleep training bad? Comment “Link” for a DM to an article breaking down the data on sleep training 😴

Among parenting topics, sleep training is one of the most divisive. Ultimately, it’s important to know that studies looking at the short- and long-term effects of sleep training show no evidence of harm. The data actually shows it can improve infant sleep and lower parental depression.

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What’s your experience with sleep training? Did you feel judged for your decision to do (or not do) it?

#sleeptraining #newparents #babysleep #emilyoster #parentdata

Is sleep training bad? Comment “Link” for a DM to an article breaking down the data on sleep training 😴

Among parenting topics, sleep training is one of the most divisive. Ultimately, it’s important to know that studies looking at the short- and long-term effects of sleep training show no evidence of harm. The data actually shows it can improve infant sleep and lower parental depression.

Even so, while sleep training can be a great option, it will not be for everyone. Just as people can feel judged for sleep training, they can feel judged for not doing it. Engaging in any parenting behavior because it’s what’s expected of you is not a good idea. You have to do what works best for your family! If that’s sleep training, make a plan and implement it. If not, that’s okay too.

What’s your experience with sleep training? Did you feel judged for your decision to do (or not do) it?

#sleeptraining #newparents #babysleep #emilyoster #parentdata
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#funnytweets #bedtime #nightimeroutine #parentinghumor #parentingmemes

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Having this realization, accepting it, reminding ourselves of it, can help us make the hard decisions and accurately weigh the risks and benefits of our choices.

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Got a big decision to make? 🤔 Comment “Link” for a DM to read about my easy mantra for making hard choices.

When we face a complicated problem in pregnancy or parenting, and don’t like either option A or B, we often wait around for a secret third option to reveal itself. This magical thinking, as appealing as it is, gets in the way. We need a way to remind ourselves that we need to make an active choice, even if it is hard. The mantra I use for this: “There is no secret option C.”

Having this realization, accepting it, reminding ourselves of it, can help us make the hard decisions and accurately weigh the risks and benefits of our choices.

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So yes, they’re being completely unreasonable. You should be able to feed your baby in peace. What are some responses you can give to someone who tells you to cover up? Share in the comments below ⬇️

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Excuse the language, but I have such strong feelings about this subject! Sometimes, it feels like there’s no winning as a mother. People pressure you to breastfeed and, in the same breath, shame you for doing it in public. Which is it?!

So yes, they’re being completely unreasonable. You should be able to feed your baby in peace. What are some responses you can give to someone who tells you to cover up? Share in the comments below ⬇️

#breastfeeding #breastfeedinginpublic #breastfeedingmom #motherhood #emilyoster
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Potty training can feel like a Mount Everest-size challenge, and sadly, our evidence-based guidance is poor. So, I created a survey to collate advice and feedback on success from about 6,000 participants.

How long does potty training take? We found that there is a strong basic pattern here: the later you wait to start, the shorter time it takes to potty train. On average, people who start at under 18 months report it takes them about 12 weeks for their child to be fully trained (using the toilet consistently for both peeing and pooping). For those who start between 3 and 3.5, it’s more like nine days. Keep in mind that for all of these age groups, there is a range of length of time from a few days to over a year. Sometimes parents are told that if you do it right, it only takes a few days. While that is true for some people, it is definitely not the norm.

If you’re in the throes of potty training, hang in there! 

#emilyoster #parentdata #pottytraining #pottytrainingtips #toddlerlife

Potty training can feel like a Mount Everest-size challenge, and sadly, our evidence-based guidance is poor. So, I created a survey to collate advice and feedback on success from about 6,000 participants.

How long does potty training take? We found that there is a strong basic pattern here: the later you wait to start, the shorter time it takes to potty train. On average, people who start at under 18 months report it takes them about 12 weeks for their child to be fully trained (using the toilet consistently for both peeing and pooping). For those who start between 3 and 3.5, it’s more like nine days. Keep in mind that for all of these age groups, there is a range of length of time from a few days to over a year. Sometimes parents are told that if you do it right, it only takes a few days. While that is true for some people, it is definitely not the norm.

If you’re in the throes of potty training, hang in there!

#emilyoster #parentdata #pottytraining #pottytrainingtips #toddlerlife
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For children or adults with severe food allergies, they can be incredibly scary and restrictive. We may imagine that it’s easy to deal with a peanut allergy by, say, not eating peanut butter sandwiches. But for someone with a severe version of this allergy, they may never be able to go to a restaurant, for fear of a severe reaction to something in the air. Right now, there’s only one approved treatment for severe allergies like this and it’s limited to peanuts.

This is why the new medication Xolair is very exciting. It promises a second possible treatment avenue and one that works for other allergens. A new trail analyzed data from 177 children with severe food allergies. Two-thirds of the treatment group were able to tolerate the specified endpoint, versus just 7% of the placebo group. This is a very large treatment effect, and the authors found similarly large impacts on other allergens. 

There are some caveats: This treatment won’t work for everyone. (One-third of participants did not respond to it.) Additionally, this treatment is an injection given every two to four weeks, indefinitely. This may make it less palatable to children. 

Overall, even with caveats, this is life-changing news for many families!

#xolair #foodallergies #allergies #peanutallergy #emilyoster #parentdata

For children or adults with severe food allergies, they can be incredibly scary and restrictive. We may imagine that it’s easy to deal with a peanut allergy by, say, not eating peanut butter sandwiches. But for someone with a severe version of this allergy, they may never be able to go to a restaurant, for fear of a severe reaction to something in the air. Right now, there’s only one approved treatment for severe allergies like this and it’s limited to peanuts.

This is why the new medication Xolair is very exciting. It promises a second possible treatment avenue and one that works for other allergens. A new trail analyzed data from 177 children with severe food allergies. Two-thirds of the treatment group were able to tolerate the specified endpoint, versus just 7% of the placebo group. This is a very large treatment effect, and the authors found similarly large impacts on other allergens.

There are some caveats: This treatment won’t work for everyone. (One-third of participants did not respond to it.) Additionally, this treatment is an injection given every two to four weeks, indefinitely. This may make it less palatable to children.

Overall, even with caveats, this is life-changing news for many families!

#xolair #foodallergies #allergies #peanutallergy #emilyoster #parentdata
...

If you have a fever during pregnancy, you should take Tylenol, both because it will make you feel better and because of concerns about fever in pregnancy (although these are also overstated).

The evidence that suggests risks to Tylenol focuses largely on more extensive exposure — say, taking it for more than 28 days during pregnancy. There is no credible evidence, even correlational, to suggest that taking it occasionally for a fever or headache would be an issue.

People take Tylenol for a reason. For many people, the choice may be between debilitating weekly migraines and regular Tylenol usage. The impacts studies suggest are very small. In making this decision, we should weigh the real, known benefit against the suggestion of this possible risk. Perhaps not everyone will come out at the same place on this, but it is crucial we give people the tools to make the choice for themselves.

#emilyoster #parentdata #tylenol #pregnancy #pregnancytips

If you have a fever during pregnancy, you should take Tylenol, both because it will make you feel better and because of concerns about fever in pregnancy (although these are also overstated).

The evidence that suggests risks to Tylenol focuses largely on more extensive exposure — say, taking it for more than 28 days during pregnancy. There is no credible evidence, even correlational, to suggest that taking it occasionally for a fever or headache would be an issue.

People take Tylenol for a reason. For many people, the choice may be between debilitating weekly migraines and regular Tylenol usage. The impacts studies suggest are very small. In making this decision, we should weigh the real, known benefit against the suggestion of this possible risk. Perhaps not everyone will come out at the same place on this, but it is crucial we give people the tools to make the choice for themselves.

#emilyoster #parentdata #tylenol #pregnancy #pregnancytips
...

Parenting trends are like Cabbage Patch Kids: they’re usually only popular because a bunch of people are using them! Most of the time, these trends are not based on new scientific research, and even if they are, that new research doesn’t reflect all of what we’ve studied before.

In the future, before hopping onto the latest trend, check the data first. Unlike Cabbage Patch Kids, parenting trends can add a lot of unnecessary stress and challenges to your plate. What’s a recent trend that you’ve been wondering about?

#parentdata #emilyoster #parentingtips #parentingadvice #parentinghacks

Parenting trends are like Cabbage Patch Kids: they’re usually only popular because a bunch of people are using them! Most of the time, these trends are not based on new scientific research, and even if they are, that new research doesn’t reflect all of what we’ve studied before.

In the future, before hopping onto the latest trend, check the data first. Unlike Cabbage Patch Kids, parenting trends can add a lot of unnecessary stress and challenges to your plate. What’s a recent trend that you’ve been wondering about?

#parentdata #emilyoster #parentingtips #parentingadvice #parentinghacks
...

As of this week, 1 million copies of my books have been sold. This feels humbling and, frankly, unbelievable. I’m so thankful to those of you who’ve read and passed along your recommendations of the books.

When I wrote Expecting Better, I had no plan for all of this — I wrote that book because I felt compelled to write it, because it was the book I wanted to read. As I’ve come out with more books, and now ParentData, I am closer to seeing what I hope we can all create. That is: a world where everyone has access to reliable data, based on causal evidence, to make informed, confident decisions that work for their families.

I’m so grateful you’re all here as a part of this, and I want to thank you! If you’ve been waiting for the right moment to sign up for full access to ParentData, this is it. ⭐️ Comment “Link” for a DM with a discount code for 20% off of a new monthly or annual subscription to ParentData! 

Thank you again for being the best community of readers and internet-friends on the planet. I am so lucky to have you all here.

#parentdata #emilyoster #expectingbetter #cribsheet #familyfirm #parentingcommunity

As of this week, 1 million copies of my books have been sold. This feels humbling and, frankly, unbelievable. I’m so thankful to those of you who’ve read and passed along your recommendations of the books.

When I wrote Expecting Better, I had no plan for all of this — I wrote that book because I felt compelled to write it, because it was the book I wanted to read. As I’ve come out with more books, and now ParentData, I am closer to seeing what I hope we can all create. That is: a world where everyone has access to reliable data, based on causal evidence, to make informed, confident decisions that work for their families.

I’m so grateful you’re all here as a part of this, and I want to thank you! If you’ve been waiting for the right moment to sign up for full access to ParentData, this is it. ⭐️ Comment “Link” for a DM with a discount code for 20% off of a new monthly or annual subscription to ParentData!

Thank you again for being the best community of readers and internet-friends on the planet. I am so lucky to have you all here.

#parentdata #emilyoster #expectingbetter #cribsheet #familyfirm #parentingcommunity
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Just eat your Cheerios and move on.

Just eat your Cheerios and move on. ...

The AAP’s guidelines recommend sleeping in the same room as your baby “ideally for the first six months.” However, the risk of SIDS is dramatically lower after four months, and the evidence in favor of the protective effect of room sharing is quite weak (both overall and even more so after four months). There is also growing evidence that infants who sleep in their own room by four months sleep better at four months, better at nine months, and even better at 30 months.

With this in mind, it’s worth asking why this recommendation continues at all — or at least why the AAP doesn’t push it back to four months. They say decreased arousals from sleep are linked to SIDS, which could mean that babies sleeping in their own room is risky. But this link is extremely indirect, and they do not show direct evidence to support it.

According to the data we have, parents should sleep in the same room as a baby for as long as it works for them! Sharing a room with a child may have negative impacts on both child and adult sleep. We should give families more help in navigating these trade-offs and making the decisions that work best for them.

#emilyoster #parentdata #roomsharing #sids #parentingguide

The AAP’s guidelines recommend sleeping in the same room as your baby “ideally for the first six months.” However, the risk of SIDS is dramatically lower after four months, and the evidence in favor of the protective effect of room sharing is quite weak (both overall and even more so after four months). There is also growing evidence that infants who sleep in their own room by four months sleep better at four months, better at nine months, and even better at 30 months.

With this in mind, it’s worth asking why this recommendation continues at all — or at least why the AAP doesn’t push it back to four months. They say decreased arousals from sleep are linked to SIDS, which could mean that babies sleeping in their own room is risky. But this link is extremely indirect, and they do not show direct evidence to support it.

According to the data we have, parents should sleep in the same room as a baby for as long as it works for them! Sharing a room with a child may have negative impacts on both child and adult sleep. We should give families more help in navigating these trade-offs and making the decisions that work best for them.

#emilyoster #parentdata #roomsharing #sids #parentingguide
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It was an absolute pleasure to be featured on the @tamronhallshow! We talked about all things data-driven parenting and, in this clip, what I call the plague of secret parenting. To balance having a career and having a family, we can’t hide the fact that we’re parents. If mothers and fathers at the top can speak more openly about child-care obligations, it will help us all set a new precedent.

Watch the full segment at the link in my bio 🔗

#tamronhall #tamronhallshow #emilyoster #parentingsupport #workingparents

It was an absolute pleasure to be featured on the @tamronhallshow! We talked about all things data-driven parenting and, in this clip, what I call the plague of secret parenting. To balance having a career and having a family, we can’t hide the fact that we’re parents. If mothers and fathers at the top can speak more openly about child-care obligations, it will help us all set a new precedent.

Watch the full segment at the link in my bio 🔗

#tamronhall #tamronhallshow #emilyoster #parentingsupport #workingparents
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Invisible labor. It’s the work — in our households especially — that has to happen but that no one sees. It’s making the doctor’s appointment, ensuring birthday cards are purchased, remembering the milk.

My guest on this episode, @everodsky, has come up with a solution here, or at least a way for us to recognize the problem and make our own solutions. I’ve wanted to speak with Eve for ages, since I read her book Fair Play. We had a great conversation about the division of household labor, one I think you’ll get a lot out of!

Listen and subscribe to ParentData with Emily Oster in your favorite podcast app 🎧

#emilyoster #parentdata #parentdatapodcast #parentingpodcast #householdtips #fairplay #invisiblelabor

Invisible labor. It’s the work — in our households especially — that has to happen but that no one sees. It’s making the doctor’s appointment, ensuring birthday cards are purchased, remembering the milk.

My guest on this episode, @everodsky, has come up with a solution here, or at least a way for us to recognize the problem and make our own solutions. I’ve wanted to speak with Eve for ages, since I read her book Fair Play. We had a great conversation about the division of household labor, one I think you’ll get a lot out of!

Listen and subscribe to ParentData with Emily Oster in your favorite podcast app 🎧

#emilyoster #parentdata #parentdatapodcast #parentingpodcast #householdtips #fairplay #invisiblelabor
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Prenatal vitamins 💊 If there is any product that seems designed to prey on our fears, it’s this one. You’re newly pregnant and you want to do it right. Everyone agrees you need prenatal vitamins, so you get them. But do you want to be that person who just… buys the generic prenatal vitamins?

Good news: fancier vitamins are not better.  Folic acid is the most important prenatal ingredient. Iron (with vitamin C) and DHA are also nice to have. Other included ingredients have only weak or no evidence to support their use. (If you do not consume animal products, add B12, plus a few others depending on your diet.)

Vitamins are just vitamins. Any prenatal vitamin that contains these is enough. 

Comment “Link” for a DM to an article with everything you need to know about prenatal vitamins.

#emilyoster #parentdata #prenatalvitamins #pregnancydiet #pregnancytips

Prenatal vitamins 💊 If there is any product that seems designed to prey on our fears, it’s this one. You’re newly pregnant and you want to do it right. Everyone agrees you need prenatal vitamins, so you get them. But do you want to be that person who just… buys the generic prenatal vitamins?

Good news: fancier vitamins are not better. Folic acid is the most important prenatal ingredient. Iron (with vitamin C) and DHA are also nice to have. Other included ingredients have only weak or no evidence to support their use. (If you do not consume animal products, add B12, plus a few others depending on your diet.)

Vitamins are just vitamins. Any prenatal vitamin that contains these is enough.

Comment “Link” for a DM to an article with everything you need to know about prenatal vitamins.

#emilyoster #parentdata #prenatalvitamins #pregnancydiet #pregnancytips
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When it comes to introducing your newborn to the world, timing matters. It’s a good idea to minimize germ exposure in the first 6-8 weeks; after that, it’s inevitable and, very likely, a good idea! This doesn’t mean you need to be trapped inside. The most significant exposure risks are from seeing other people at home — family, etc. These interactions are not infinitely risky, but they do pose more risk than a walk or a trip to the grocery store, since they involve closer interaction. Think simple and make sure everyone is washing their hands before holding the baby. 💛

#parentdata #emilyoster #newborncare #parentingadvice #parentingtips

When it comes to introducing your newborn to the world, timing matters. It’s a good idea to minimize germ exposure in the first 6-8 weeks; after that, it’s inevitable and, very likely, a good idea! This doesn’t mean you need to be trapped inside. The most significant exposure risks are from seeing other people at home — family, etc. These interactions are not infinitely risky, but they do pose more risk than a walk or a trip to the grocery store, since they involve closer interaction. Think simple and make sure everyone is washing their hands before holding the baby. 💛

#parentdata #emilyoster #newborncare #parentingadvice #parentingtips
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The first edition of Hot Flash is out now! Comment “Link” for a DM to learn more about the late-reproductive stage.

There are times when we expect hormonal shifts. Our reproductive lives are bookended by puberty and menopause. We discuss those changes often because they are definitive and dramatic — a first period is something many of us remember clearly. But between ages 13 and 53, our hormones are changing in more subtle ways. During the late-reproductive stage (in your 40s), you can expect a lot of changes in your menstrual cycle, including the length and symptoms you experience throughout. It’s an important time in our lives that is often overlooked!

🔥 Hot Flash from ParentData is a weekly newsletter on navigating your health and hormones in the post-reproductive years. Written by Dr. Gillian Goddard, Hot Flash provides all of the information you need to have a productive, evidence-based conversation about hormonal health with your doctor.

#emilyoster #parentdata #hotflash #perimenopause #womenshealth

The first edition of Hot Flash is out now! Comment “Link” for a DM to learn more about the late-reproductive stage.

There are times when we expect hormonal shifts. Our reproductive lives are bookended by puberty and menopause. We discuss those changes often because they are definitive and dramatic — a first period is something many of us remember clearly. But between ages 13 and 53, our hormones are changing in more subtle ways. During the late-reproductive stage (in your 40s), you can expect a lot of changes in your menstrual cycle, including the length and symptoms you experience throughout. It’s an important time in our lives that is often overlooked!

🔥 Hot Flash from ParentData is a weekly newsletter on navigating your health and hormones in the post-reproductive years. Written by Dr. Gillian Goddard, Hot Flash provides all of the information you need to have a productive, evidence-based conversation about hormonal health with your doctor.

#emilyoster #parentdata #hotflash #perimenopause #womenshealth
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