I’ve noticed something interesting about this newsletter. You love to talk to each other, especially about the hard stuff. You enjoy the funny moments and big accomplishments, but the stories that you respond to most are about worry, disappointment, and loss. I’m glad this can be a place where that honesty is rewarded. And I hope you’re taking as much away from it as I am.
Today we have three reader stories and then something new … we want to hear your parenting hacks! As always, the floor is yours.
Shame Spiral
—Anonymous
I’m a stay-at-home mom of a two-month-old and 2-year-old. I constantly feel a sense of shame and guilt that my 2-year-old attends day care every day of the week. I notice just how bad it is when I go to tell new friends or acquaintances that I’m just home with my baby and not both kids. On the other hand, I can truly not imagine being home with both and know it’s the right decision for my family. When will this feeling go away? I wish I could be more confident!
Searching for Answers
—Four Weeks of Worry
My husband and I went to the 20-week ultrasound for our second child. Everything seemed normal during the ultrasound, but afterward, we were told that we’d be having another ultrasound at 24 weeks and a consultation with a high-risk maternal fetal medicine specialist. (I am not of advanced maternal age just yet.) Of course, the ultrasound tech could tell us nothing, leaving us googling terms like “choroid plexus cysts” and “fetal aneuploidy” once the ultrasound results were shared a few days later. While my initial research gives me hope that my baby will be OK, it will be an excruciating four weeks of waiting to find out “what next.”
The Biggest Win
—Sak
I moved my youngest into his college dorm! Officially empty nesting!
This week, instead of a reader question, I’m sharing a parenting hack from our reader Karen M.:
My best parenting hack is to collapse all of the dinner-to-bed activity into the bathtub, in order to contain the kids and minimize transitions. Dessert is served in the tub — things like M&Ms or a lollipop instead of crumbly sweets. Then bedtime story, read while the kids are in the tub. Brush teeth (rinse and spit the bathwater). Depending on your comfort level, the kids can also do last pee in the tub on their way out. Then when you’re done with the bath, you can put them right into their tomorrow clothes and call it a night. You may want to wash your tub more frequently.
Love it. What’s your best parenting hack? Leave a comment below.
Want to see your story featured here? We always love to hear from you.
Shame spiral - I had my daughter in July 2020. I went back to work part time that fall and she was in daycare two days a week. However, I quit my job about a couple months in…but she stayed in daycare. I used the time to rest, take care of home things, read books, run errands, etc. I have felt a lot of guilt about it over time and always felt like I had to justify it to people, because it’s definitely not the norm. But I honestly think I am a better mom because I got predictable breaks where my daughter was safely in the care of a professional. She loves it there, gets a ton of enrichment and exposure to things she wouldn’t get at home with just me (socializing with other kids, germs haha) and I know the data says daycare is not bad for kids. The guilt is heavy some days, but I also know this is the setup that works great for us in the season.
What I tell myself is this: I don’t think I need less help/breaks, I think other people need MORE help/breaks and I think we should normalize parents finding/taking help wherever it works best for them. Just because what’s normalized in our culture is stay at home parents burning out on 24-7 care and being the only source of everything for their kids doesn’t mean it’s right. Sending you love and cheering for you in the decision you made - I think it sounds amazing.
To Four Weeks of Worry: I had a similar experience at my 20-week sonogram, being informed that my baby had a cyst on their brain. 4 weeks later there was no sign of it. I now have a developmentally on-track, if not precocious, 3-year-old. Having a plan always helps my anxiety, so I spent those 4 weeks repeating the mantra, "My body knows what it's doing, my baby knows what it's doing," and ultimately realizing that no child and no parenting journey is without challenges. Worst-comes-to-worst (and, statistically, it probably won't), you are the kind of parent who Googles, you are the kind of parent who reaches out for help, you are the kind of parent who reads Emily Oster! Your child, come what may, will have the best early-intervention multidisciplinary support system you can manage, and, most importantly, your child will have you. Enjoy your pregnancy. Love to you and your baby!