Desperately Seeking Solutions - you asked if anyone can relate. Your note resonated with me so much I started sobbing at my desk, especially this part: "My partner and I are going crazy. It feels like we are on an island because we can’t quite describe the special hell the last year-plus has been to our friends with similar-age kids who all are seemingly happy and thriving."
Our 17M old's challenges are different than yours (a complete inability to sleep through the night despite reading every book, consulting with professionals etc and severe disinclination to eat to the point of flirting with a feeding tube). It's exhausting, I frequently feel like I must be incompetent and that I'm failing my child and that someone else could do it better. I look at my friends with more "normal" children and am jealous and infuriated that they are able to access the joy of parenting while I am just stuck in the awfulness every day with a child who refuses to do the two things that are most critical to his development - sleep and eat! Well meaning friends offer advice like, have you tried "x" (insert basic parenting technique) and I want to scream because, a) of course I have and b) do you really think I'm so dumb I haven't turned over at least the basic stones (and even the oddball ones?!).
What makes it harder is exactly what you cited - our child is technically healthy and significantly exceeding milestones and I feel tremendous guilt them for complaining when I know that others with sick children would trade my reality for theirs in a heartbeat. It's all just so hard.
We have seen glimmers of progress as he gets older and his communication skills get better and I just try to focus on that and on putting one foot ahead of the other. Dressing my child in cute outfits also helps me to access my love for him more easily when he's being particularly trying. (I know this sounds awful and judge away, but it helps me).
So I have no suggestions other than +1 to the person who said keeping a log helps identify patterns, video tape some of his worst episodes so that doctors cannot dismiss them (I find telling doctors my son doesn't eat isn't impactful but showing them video of him literally refusing to eat anything all day was much more convincing) and keep trying oddball things (the gluten one below was interesting). And hang in there, it will get easier as he can tell you what's wrong and that day is closer than you think. Keep working on language skills as much as you can to get there soon!
Desperately Seeking Solutions, I could've written your post. Chiropractor, gastroenterologist, allergist, we saw them all. For us, the answer ended up being gluten. Everyone looked at us like we're crazy when I told them my 15-month old was gluten free. You're a GREAT mom for looking for solutions. So many people just write off hard/screaming/colicky babies and say they'll grow out of it. Maybe they will, but it's absolute torture in the meantime. I cried almost daily for 15 months. I know you'll find the answer. Keep advocating for your child (and yourself). I'm really proud of you. One day you'll look back and understand how strong you are. Mine is 2.5 now and a happy little toddler (though has a flair for the drama and is highly sensitive, but nothing like that first year plus). I wish you the best.
Wow I 100% relate to the screaming baby for 13+ months, as a family nurse practitioner and mother of 2 children (the oldest being the screaming child), I also did all the things to try to make my eldest "happy". I couldn't even technically diagnose her with colic because she cried for too long. Friends would come over and note, "is she ok?" "what's wrong with her?" Leading me on a fruitless hunt for solutions. She is now 5, and looking back, that is just her personality. She is fierce, loud and super smart. We can joke now that she just didn't like being a baby - and is now so much happier with her fast legs and extensive vocabulary and big questions. The thing that saved us was time, and learning to walk away and breath. It was so so hard; I hope you get to look back and giggle too.
Desperately Seeking Solutions, I want to start by saying I believe you. Your gut is right. You are the best mama for your baby.
I have no expertise here, but I find when something tricky is happening at home, doctors don’t always get it unless I have “proof.” Take some videos throughout your child’s next episode to show the length of what’s going on and what your kid is actually doing.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this, it sounds really really hard. I want to offer you an idea from Brief Therapy: "Find what works and do more of it." It sounds like you have already investigated all medical possibilities (unless maybe it's a sensory/autism spectrum thing, but sounds like no?). When is your baby happiest? I'm intrigued by the idea that your baby is "happy and fine" at the doctor. (My baby HATES the doctor!) Does your baby like stimulation? New people? The outdoors? Need to be "tired out" more? I wonder if keeping a journal for a week of whenever he is happy (or at least not screaming) and seeing if there are any patterns could help. Don't write down when he is screaming! It might help you see things a little differently too.
I also just want to throw out there that your friends whose babies are happy and thriving might just not be sharing the harder stuff with you! Instagram vs Reality and all that.
Sending you all the good thoughts! You can do this.
For the twin mama--I am *right there with you*. I am exclusively pumping for my 6mo twins, and I have an almost-3yo! I have also seen a decrease in my supply since returning to work (and to be honest, I hate pumping at work a lot more than I did at home). I’ve just recently decided to intentionally move towards reducing my supply for my own sanity, so rather than focusing on keeping my supply up, I’m focused on getting it down a bit. (It’s still a goal, which weirdly helps me mentally.) I also really liked Caroline Chambers advice about combo feeding--think of formula like a multivitamin for your baby! After the 4-6 month mark, your babies need a secondary source of iron. The CDC recommends iron-fortified baby cereal or iron-rich foods for EBF infants. Another great option? Formula! Formula definitely feels easier to me than trying to remember to get my infants enough iron rich foods. (And as you are well aware, 3 under 3 is sheer, utter chaos without adding nutrient tracking.) We are great moms who are giving their babies everything they need. <3
1. Early Intervention (I know you mentioned this, see if your pediatrician can help you expedite)
2. Occupational therapy evaluation. It sounds like there are some sensory things going on. OT is part science and part voodoo, but an evaluation will be validating for you as a parent (you're NOT crazy, this isn't normal) and also helpful in providing future directions of investigation.
Wishing you the absolute best of luck, all the coffee, and an Amazon Prime subscription for earplugs. Some kids are just HARD. Hugs.
There already seem to be comments with helpful tips to support the baby. My suggestion would be to invest in noise-cancelling headphones for you and your partner. I'm not saying to ignore the baby, but sometimes just the constant noise can be really upsetting; turning down the dial might help.
Twins and a Toddler - Breastfeeding a single baby has been a challenge. I salute you! We as a society tend to talk a lot about how much breast milk moms "produce" and "increasing supply." I really want to change the story in my head from "I'm not producing enough" to "breast pumps aren't effective enough." My baby mostly breastfeeds and I don't often pump. I KNOW that I am "producing" enough milk to meet her needs, yet when I pump I often get very little. It's not my fault the breast pump is less effective than my baby, yet it can still feel like something is "wrong" with my body.
Regarding Twins and a Toddler - I had a baby girl about 9 mo ago, and I have 9 year old twin boys. I exclusively pumped for the twins back then and I ended up doing the same for my daughter when I had her last year (not what I wanted at all, but that's another story). When I was having the most problems breastfeeding my daughter, I happened to listen to KC Davis' book How to Keep House While Drowning. While she proposes that we take the value judgements out of cleaning house (like "I'm good I cleaned up today" or "It's bad we are so messy and disgusting") and focus on the functional aspects of a clean home instead ("Once I clean up, I have room to make dinner"). I found so much comfort applying the same to breastfeeding. Breastfeeding = baby nutrition and food. Formula = baby nutrition and food. Both are taking care of a baby. There is no prize to supply 100% breastmilk to babies. Also Emily Oster's studies (even referenced yesterday) show that once you control for siblings, the supposed benefits of breastfeeding are reduced to almost zero. So KC Davis, combined the info shared in ParentData/Cribsheet, really helped me accept that it was time for me to stop killing myself to 100% breastfeed. Since I finally stopped we've been slowly going through a freezer stash but it hasn't proven itself "necessary." I feel now like I also have time to try and be a "present mom" or "wife" or dip back into "pre-kid" aspects of myself. Another random note. In times immemorial new mothers were surrounded by new mothers and old mothers and there was probably a lot more co-breastfeeding that went on. There's that meme that goes around in the mom IG accounts that's something like, "whatever feels hard now is hard because you used to have a village supporting you." I like to think sometimes that one mom was never meant to solely breastfeed one baby all the time. We will probably never know, so take that for what you will!!!
My reflux baby screamed literally all waking hours until we got him on Pepcid. Then he screamed many waking hours until we got him on lansoprazole. Then it stopped. The screaming was to the point you couldn’t speak to someone sitting next to you. Many people, even doctors, said to take him to the ER when they heard the screaming (and many people heard it). We barely left the house for 6 months.
Oh he also has ear fluid so that may have contributed too - he’d be up screaming in the night with that even after the reflux meds - tubes fixed it.
Which is all to say I’m so so sorry you’re experiencing this, and for a longer time. He eventually outgrew the reflux around 16 months, though we still don’t do dairy. I think I have PTSD, and I cannot handle seeing families with quiet sleeping second babies. He was my second so I was lucky to know it wasn’t my fault since the first didn’t do this.
I’d check out reflux or food allergies if you haven’t. Also get earplugs and therapy. You’ll get through this! But it sucks and it’s not fair.
From one singleton-plus-twin mom to another: I feel you. It's so hard! Our twins were born 8 weeks early, and spent respective 5- and 6-weeks in the NICU, so there was no possibility of exclusive breast feeding like I had done with our singleton. When the babies were in the hospital, I pumped and brought in the milk daily, but they needed the additional supplementation to reach their caloric needs with g-tube feeding. One might think that with such little preemies, I would have been all-out on the idea of exclusive breastfeeding, but in turned out differently. Their time being so well taken care of in the NICU not only gave me a chance to recover from emergency c-section, but also to get my bearings around what seemed possible for feeding our family as a whole: after all there were suddenly FIVE of us! In the end, we decided that I would nurse them 2x/day, and use formula the rest of the time. This decision came from a mixture of balancing the needs of two babies at one time, an older child, and my own mental health. While it came with some grief of not having the kind of nursing relationship that I did with our singleton, it meant that my energy and emotional capacity is more balanced and available for our family as a whole (myself included). Our friend, Victoria Facelli (https://www.victoriafacelli.com), who is a lactation consultant with a dope, inclusive, baby-feeding book coming out later this year (https://wwnorton.com/books/9781682686928), helped me to get to this plan. It's been liberating, humanizing, and feels respectful of each member in our new family shape. Today the babies turn 10 months old and are in the process of self-weaning (which is it's own grief). They are big, healthy, and I feel just as connected to them as their exclusively nursed sister. I (over?)share my story here just to echo the other twin-plus-one parents to say that you're the best mom for you kiddos that there is, regardless of how you feed them. And if you are looking for permission to add formula into your feeding mix, please find it here.
First, please take a look at the list of things you have attempted in order to help your child. You have tried everything you can think of! What wonderful parents you are and how lucky your child is to have you in their corner!
It’s not the same thing, but our daughter didn’t sleep through the night until she was 11 months old—and I mean she slept through the night for one night at 11 months. Not that she finally did it consistently. We tried everything. Some babies are just harder than others with certain things and it has absolutely nothing to do with you as a parent. Please be kind to yourself. And if you can’t, imagine my voice in your head cheering you on and telling you you’re doing an amazing job!
Second, I called our school district before my daughter was school-aged to have her seen for OT services. I would suggest calling you school district to see if they can help you with the process. Ours was able to offer free in-daycare services if possible.
Third, good luck! Eventually, at some point, finally, this too shall pass.
I of course don't know if this child will be the same, but the screaming child reminds me of a child of friends who was similar until he was about 5. One parent is a doctor and they were confident there was nothing physically wrong. Their lives were really rough until he changed. He just somehow grew out of it. Today he is a happy normal teen (well, as happy as teens ever are).
Noone could do it better than you can. But maybe everyone would benefit from another caretaker taking on some of the carework, if that's not already happening.
Just want to share that I can relate... Your story brought me right back to my oldest son's first year-18 months of life. We tried everything, nothing helped and I felt like a failure seeing happy babies all around me. No guarantees, but for my son he regulated a bit between 18-24 months old. Cosleeping is one thing that did help him/us. Preschool years were tough because he hated preschool & the teachers were frustrated by him. Now he is 12, diagnosed ADHD, way beyond grade level in math & science, we've opted to homeschool him. He is delightful, but also intense at times as a pre teen. His brain is just wired differently in various ways, which I think he showed us starting the day he was born, but I've only come to see it/accept it/appreciate it in the past 6ish years. Definitely less exhausting now, compared to his first 2 years, fwiw.
Desperately Seeking Solutions - you asked if anyone can relate. Your note resonated with me so much I started sobbing at my desk, especially this part: "My partner and I are going crazy. It feels like we are on an island because we can’t quite describe the special hell the last year-plus has been to our friends with similar-age kids who all are seemingly happy and thriving."
Our 17M old's challenges are different than yours (a complete inability to sleep through the night despite reading every book, consulting with professionals etc and severe disinclination to eat to the point of flirting with a feeding tube). It's exhausting, I frequently feel like I must be incompetent and that I'm failing my child and that someone else could do it better. I look at my friends with more "normal" children and am jealous and infuriated that they are able to access the joy of parenting while I am just stuck in the awfulness every day with a child who refuses to do the two things that are most critical to his development - sleep and eat! Well meaning friends offer advice like, have you tried "x" (insert basic parenting technique) and I want to scream because, a) of course I have and b) do you really think I'm so dumb I haven't turned over at least the basic stones (and even the oddball ones?!).
What makes it harder is exactly what you cited - our child is technically healthy and significantly exceeding milestones and I feel tremendous guilt them for complaining when I know that others with sick children would trade my reality for theirs in a heartbeat. It's all just so hard.
We have seen glimmers of progress as he gets older and his communication skills get better and I just try to focus on that and on putting one foot ahead of the other. Dressing my child in cute outfits also helps me to access my love for him more easily when he's being particularly trying. (I know this sounds awful and judge away, but it helps me).
So I have no suggestions other than +1 to the person who said keeping a log helps identify patterns, video tape some of his worst episodes so that doctors cannot dismiss them (I find telling doctors my son doesn't eat isn't impactful but showing them video of him literally refusing to eat anything all day was much more convincing) and keep trying oddball things (the gluten one below was interesting). And hang in there, it will get easier as he can tell you what's wrong and that day is closer than you think. Keep working on language skills as much as you can to get there soon!
Desperately Seeking Solutions, I could've written your post. Chiropractor, gastroenterologist, allergist, we saw them all. For us, the answer ended up being gluten. Everyone looked at us like we're crazy when I told them my 15-month old was gluten free. You're a GREAT mom for looking for solutions. So many people just write off hard/screaming/colicky babies and say they'll grow out of it. Maybe they will, but it's absolute torture in the meantime. I cried almost daily for 15 months. I know you'll find the answer. Keep advocating for your child (and yourself). I'm really proud of you. One day you'll look back and understand how strong you are. Mine is 2.5 now and a happy little toddler (though has a flair for the drama and is highly sensitive, but nothing like that first year plus). I wish you the best.
Wow I 100% relate to the screaming baby for 13+ months, as a family nurse practitioner and mother of 2 children (the oldest being the screaming child), I also did all the things to try to make my eldest "happy". I couldn't even technically diagnose her with colic because she cried for too long. Friends would come over and note, "is she ok?" "what's wrong with her?" Leading me on a fruitless hunt for solutions. She is now 5, and looking back, that is just her personality. She is fierce, loud and super smart. We can joke now that she just didn't like being a baby - and is now so much happier with her fast legs and extensive vocabulary and big questions. The thing that saved us was time, and learning to walk away and breath. It was so so hard; I hope you get to look back and giggle too.
Desperately Seeking Solutions, I want to start by saying I believe you. Your gut is right. You are the best mama for your baby.
I have no expertise here, but I find when something tricky is happening at home, doctors don’t always get it unless I have “proof.” Take some videos throughout your child’s next episode to show the length of what’s going on and what your kid is actually doing.
To Desperately Seeking Solutions -
I am so sorry you are dealing with this, it sounds really really hard. I want to offer you an idea from Brief Therapy: "Find what works and do more of it." It sounds like you have already investigated all medical possibilities (unless maybe it's a sensory/autism spectrum thing, but sounds like no?). When is your baby happiest? I'm intrigued by the idea that your baby is "happy and fine" at the doctor. (My baby HATES the doctor!) Does your baby like stimulation? New people? The outdoors? Need to be "tired out" more? I wonder if keeping a journal for a week of whenever he is happy (or at least not screaming) and seeing if there are any patterns could help. Don't write down when he is screaming! It might help you see things a little differently too.
I also just want to throw out there that your friends whose babies are happy and thriving might just not be sharing the harder stuff with you! Instagram vs Reality and all that.
Sending you all the good thoughts! You can do this.
The diminishing marginal returns chart for the Andes Candies is absolutely A+ parenting goals.
For the twin mama--I am *right there with you*. I am exclusively pumping for my 6mo twins, and I have an almost-3yo! I have also seen a decrease in my supply since returning to work (and to be honest, I hate pumping at work a lot more than I did at home). I’ve just recently decided to intentionally move towards reducing my supply for my own sanity, so rather than focusing on keeping my supply up, I’m focused on getting it down a bit. (It’s still a goal, which weirdly helps me mentally.) I also really liked Caroline Chambers advice about combo feeding--think of formula like a multivitamin for your baby! After the 4-6 month mark, your babies need a secondary source of iron. The CDC recommends iron-fortified baby cereal or iron-rich foods for EBF infants. Another great option? Formula! Formula definitely feels easier to me than trying to remember to get my infants enough iron rich foods. (And as you are well aware, 3 under 3 is sheer, utter chaos without adding nutrient tracking.) We are great moms who are giving their babies everything they need. <3
Desperately Seeking Solutions -
1. Early Intervention (I know you mentioned this, see if your pediatrician can help you expedite)
2. Occupational therapy evaluation. It sounds like there are some sensory things going on. OT is part science and part voodoo, but an evaluation will be validating for you as a parent (you're NOT crazy, this isn't normal) and also helpful in providing future directions of investigation.
Wishing you the absolute best of luck, all the coffee, and an Amazon Prime subscription for earplugs. Some kids are just HARD. Hugs.
There already seem to be comments with helpful tips to support the baby. My suggestion would be to invest in noise-cancelling headphones for you and your partner. I'm not saying to ignore the baby, but sometimes just the constant noise can be really upsetting; turning down the dial might help.
Twins and a Toddler - Breastfeeding a single baby has been a challenge. I salute you! We as a society tend to talk a lot about how much breast milk moms "produce" and "increasing supply." I really want to change the story in my head from "I'm not producing enough" to "breast pumps aren't effective enough." My baby mostly breastfeeds and I don't often pump. I KNOW that I am "producing" enough milk to meet her needs, yet when I pump I often get very little. It's not my fault the breast pump is less effective than my baby, yet it can still feel like something is "wrong" with my body.
Regarding Twins and a Toddler - I had a baby girl about 9 mo ago, and I have 9 year old twin boys. I exclusively pumped for the twins back then and I ended up doing the same for my daughter when I had her last year (not what I wanted at all, but that's another story). When I was having the most problems breastfeeding my daughter, I happened to listen to KC Davis' book How to Keep House While Drowning. While she proposes that we take the value judgements out of cleaning house (like "I'm good I cleaned up today" or "It's bad we are so messy and disgusting") and focus on the functional aspects of a clean home instead ("Once I clean up, I have room to make dinner"). I found so much comfort applying the same to breastfeeding. Breastfeeding = baby nutrition and food. Formula = baby nutrition and food. Both are taking care of a baby. There is no prize to supply 100% breastmilk to babies. Also Emily Oster's studies (even referenced yesterday) show that once you control for siblings, the supposed benefits of breastfeeding are reduced to almost zero. So KC Davis, combined the info shared in ParentData/Cribsheet, really helped me accept that it was time for me to stop killing myself to 100% breastfeed. Since I finally stopped we've been slowly going through a freezer stash but it hasn't proven itself "necessary." I feel now like I also have time to try and be a "present mom" or "wife" or dip back into "pre-kid" aspects of myself. Another random note. In times immemorial new mothers were surrounded by new mothers and old mothers and there was probably a lot more co-breastfeeding that went on. There's that meme that goes around in the mom IG accounts that's something like, "whatever feels hard now is hard because you used to have a village supporting you." I like to think sometimes that one mom was never meant to solely breastfeed one baby all the time. We will probably never know, so take that for what you will!!!
My reflux baby screamed literally all waking hours until we got him on Pepcid. Then he screamed many waking hours until we got him on lansoprazole. Then it stopped. The screaming was to the point you couldn’t speak to someone sitting next to you. Many people, even doctors, said to take him to the ER when they heard the screaming (and many people heard it). We barely left the house for 6 months.
Oh he also has ear fluid so that may have contributed too - he’d be up screaming in the night with that even after the reflux meds - tubes fixed it.
Which is all to say I’m so so sorry you’re experiencing this, and for a longer time. He eventually outgrew the reflux around 16 months, though we still don’t do dairy. I think I have PTSD, and I cannot handle seeing families with quiet sleeping second babies. He was my second so I was lucky to know it wasn’t my fault since the first didn’t do this.
I’d check out reflux or food allergies if you haven’t. Also get earplugs and therapy. You’ll get through this! But it sucks and it’s not fair.
From one singleton-plus-twin mom to another: I feel you. It's so hard! Our twins were born 8 weeks early, and spent respective 5- and 6-weeks in the NICU, so there was no possibility of exclusive breast feeding like I had done with our singleton. When the babies were in the hospital, I pumped and brought in the milk daily, but they needed the additional supplementation to reach their caloric needs with g-tube feeding. One might think that with such little preemies, I would have been all-out on the idea of exclusive breastfeeding, but in turned out differently. Their time being so well taken care of in the NICU not only gave me a chance to recover from emergency c-section, but also to get my bearings around what seemed possible for feeding our family as a whole: after all there were suddenly FIVE of us! In the end, we decided that I would nurse them 2x/day, and use formula the rest of the time. This decision came from a mixture of balancing the needs of two babies at one time, an older child, and my own mental health. While it came with some grief of not having the kind of nursing relationship that I did with our singleton, it meant that my energy and emotional capacity is more balanced and available for our family as a whole (myself included). Our friend, Victoria Facelli (https://www.victoriafacelli.com), who is a lactation consultant with a dope, inclusive, baby-feeding book coming out later this year (https://wwnorton.com/books/9781682686928), helped me to get to this plan. It's been liberating, humanizing, and feels respectful of each member in our new family shape. Today the babies turn 10 months old and are in the process of self-weaning (which is it's own grief). They are big, healthy, and I feel just as connected to them as their exclusively nursed sister. I (over?)share my story here just to echo the other twin-plus-one parents to say that you're the best mom for you kiddos that there is, regardless of how you feed them. And if you are looking for permission to add formula into your feeding mix, please find it here.
First, please take a look at the list of things you have attempted in order to help your child. You have tried everything you can think of! What wonderful parents you are and how lucky your child is to have you in their corner!
It’s not the same thing, but our daughter didn’t sleep through the night until she was 11 months old—and I mean she slept through the night for one night at 11 months. Not that she finally did it consistently. We tried everything. Some babies are just harder than others with certain things and it has absolutely nothing to do with you as a parent. Please be kind to yourself. And if you can’t, imagine my voice in your head cheering you on and telling you you’re doing an amazing job!
Second, I called our school district before my daughter was school-aged to have her seen for OT services. I would suggest calling you school district to see if they can help you with the process. Ours was able to offer free in-daycare services if possible.
Third, good luck! Eventually, at some point, finally, this too shall pass.
I of course don't know if this child will be the same, but the screaming child reminds me of a child of friends who was similar until he was about 5. One parent is a doctor and they were confident there was nothing physically wrong. Their lives were really rough until he changed. He just somehow grew out of it. Today he is a happy normal teen (well, as happy as teens ever are).
Noone could do it better than you can. But maybe everyone would benefit from another caretaker taking on some of the carework, if that's not already happening.
Just want to share that I can relate... Your story brought me right back to my oldest son's first year-18 months of life. We tried everything, nothing helped and I felt like a failure seeing happy babies all around me. No guarantees, but for my son he regulated a bit between 18-24 months old. Cosleeping is one thing that did help him/us. Preschool years were tough because he hated preschool & the teachers were frustrated by him. Now he is 12, diagnosed ADHD, way beyond grade level in math & science, we've opted to homeschool him. He is delightful, but also intense at times as a pre teen. His brain is just wired differently in various ways, which I think he showed us starting the day he was born, but I've only come to see it/accept it/appreciate it in the past 6ish years. Definitely less exhausting now, compared to his first 2 years, fwiw.